Be nice to America or we'll bring democracy to your country.
Bush: Like a rock, only dumber.
Annoy a conservative: Think.
Ignorance and arrogance is a bad foreign policy.
Which God do you kill for?
Of course it hurts, you're getting screwed by an elephant.
Love Thy Enemy strongly implies not killing them.
Hey Bush supporter, embarrassed yet?
When fascism comes to this country, it will draped in a flag and carrying a cross.
- Sinclair Lewis
If you want a nation ruled by religion, move to Iran.
America: one nation under surveillance
You can't be pro-life and pro-war.
Nothing is less patriotic than lying to your country.
Impeach Bush.
Jesus was a bleeding heart, long haired, peace loving, anti-establishment hippie freak with strange ideas - everything conservatives hate.
At least in Vietnam Bush had an exit strategy.
I'd rather have a president screwing his mistress than screwing his country.
They that can give up essential liberty for a little temporary safety deserve neither liberty nor safety.
- Ben Franklin
Rich man's war, poor man's blood.
We're making enemies faster than we can kill them.
If you support Bush's war, why are you still here? Shut up and ship out!
I think, therefore I am liberal.
The Republican Party, our bridge to the 11th century.
Torture is not a family value.
You voted for Bush?? Are you evil or just stupid?
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Humor. Show all posts
Saturday, September 4, 2010
Stephen Colbert at the White House Correspondents' Dinner ('06)
Satirist Stephen Colbert at the White House Correspondents' Dinner in April 2006.
The full video (24:10) is here
The full transcript is here
Excerpts:
I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I call it the No Fact Zone. Fox News, I hold a copyright on that term.
I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least. And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.
Though I am a committed Christian, I believe that everyone has the right to their own religion, be you Hindu, Jewish or Muslim. I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior.
Reality has a well-known liberal bias.
Fox News gives you both sides of every story: the president's side, and the vice president's side.
But the rest of you, what are you thinking, reporting on NSA wiretapping or secret prisons in eastern Europe? Those things are secret for a very important reason: they're super-depressing. And if that's your goal, well, misery accomplished. Over the last five years you people were so good -- over tax cuts, WMD intelligence, the effect of global warming. We Americans didn't want to know, and you had the courtesy not to try to find out. Those were good times, as far as we knew.
But, listen, let's review the rules. Here's how it works: the president makes decisions. He's the decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Just put 'em through a spell check and go home. Get to know your family again. Make love to your wife. Write that novel you got kicking around in your head. You know, the one about the intrepid Washington reporter with the courage to stand up to the administration. You know - fiction!
I've got a theory about how to handle these retired generals causing all this trouble: don't let them retire! Come on, we've got a stop-loss program; let's use it on these guys.
Jesse Jackson .... Very interesting and challenging interview. You can ask him anything, but he's going to say what he wants, at the pace that he wants. It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.
New press secretary, Tony Snow. Got some big shoes to fill, Tony. Big shoes to fill. Scott McClellan could say nothing like nobody else.
The full video (24:10) is here
The full transcript is here
Excerpts:
I give people the truth, unfiltered by rational argument. I call it the No Fact Zone. Fox News, I hold a copyright on that term.
I believe the government that governs best is the government that governs least. And by these standards, we have set up a fabulous government in Iraq.
Though I am a committed Christian, I believe that everyone has the right to their own religion, be you Hindu, Jewish or Muslim. I believe there are infinite paths to accepting Jesus Christ as your personal savior.
Reality has a well-known liberal bias.
Fox News gives you both sides of every story: the president's side, and the vice president's side.
But the rest of you, what are you thinking, reporting on NSA wiretapping or secret prisons in eastern Europe? Those things are secret for a very important reason: they're super-depressing. And if that's your goal, well, misery accomplished. Over the last five years you people were so good -- over tax cuts, WMD intelligence, the effect of global warming. We Americans didn't want to know, and you had the courtesy not to try to find out. Those were good times, as far as we knew.
But, listen, let's review the rules. Here's how it works: the president makes decisions. He's the decider. The press secretary announces those decisions, and you people of the press type those decisions down. Make, announce, type. Just put 'em through a spell check and go home. Get to know your family again. Make love to your wife. Write that novel you got kicking around in your head. You know, the one about the intrepid Washington reporter with the courage to stand up to the administration. You know - fiction!
I've got a theory about how to handle these retired generals causing all this trouble: don't let them retire! Come on, we've got a stop-loss program; let's use it on these guys.
Jesse Jackson .... Very interesting and challenging interview. You can ask him anything, but he's going to say what he wants, at the pace that he wants. It's like boxing a glacier. Enjoy that metaphor, by the way, because your grandchildren will have no idea what a glacier is.
New press secretary, Tony Snow. Got some big shoes to fill, Tony. Big shoes to fill. Scott McClellan could say nothing like nobody else.
Saturday, July 31, 2010
Monday, July 5, 2010
Bill Maher: "George of the Bungle" ('05)
Bill Maher, HBO's Real Time With Bill Maher, Sept. 9, 2005:
The video (3:52) is here.
Partial transcript:
Mr. President, this job can't be fun for you any more. There's no more money to spend -- you used up all of that. You can't start another war because you used up the Army. And now, darn the luck, the rest of your term has become the Bush family nightmare: helping poor people. Listen to your Mom. The cupboard's bare, the credit cards maxed out. No one's speaking to you. Mission accomplished.
Now it's time to do what you've always done best: lose interest and walk away. Like you did with your military service and the oil company and the baseball team. It's time. Time to move on and try the next fantasy job. How about cowboy, or space man?
Now I know what you're saying: there's so many other things that you as President could involve yourself in. Please don't. I know, I know. There's a lot left to do. There's a war with Venezuela. Eliminating the sales tax on yachts. Turning the space program over to the church. And Social Security to Fannie Mae. Giving embryos the vote.
But, Sir, none of that is going to happen now. Why? Because you govern like Billy Joel drives. You've performed so poorly I'm surprised that you haven't given yourself a medal. You're a catastrophe that walks like a man. Herbert Hoover was a shitty president, but even he never conceded an entire metropolis to rising water and snakes.
On your watch, we've lost almost all of our allies, the surplus, four airliners, two trade centers, a piece of the Pentagon and the City of New Orleans. Maybe you're just not lucky.
I'm not saying you don't love this country. I'm just wondering how much worse it could be if you were on the other side.
So, yes, God does speak to you. What he is saying is "Take a hint."
The video (3:52) is here.
Partial transcript:
Mr. President, this job can't be fun for you any more. There's no more money to spend -- you used up all of that. You can't start another war because you used up the Army. And now, darn the luck, the rest of your term has become the Bush family nightmare: helping poor people. Listen to your Mom. The cupboard's bare, the credit cards maxed out. No one's speaking to you. Mission accomplished.
Now it's time to do what you've always done best: lose interest and walk away. Like you did with your military service and the oil company and the baseball team. It's time. Time to move on and try the next fantasy job. How about cowboy, or space man?
Now I know what you're saying: there's so many other things that you as President could involve yourself in. Please don't. I know, I know. There's a lot left to do. There's a war with Venezuela. Eliminating the sales tax on yachts. Turning the space program over to the church. And Social Security to Fannie Mae. Giving embryos the vote.
But, Sir, none of that is going to happen now. Why? Because you govern like Billy Joel drives. You've performed so poorly I'm surprised that you haven't given yourself a medal. You're a catastrophe that walks like a man. Herbert Hoover was a shitty president, but even he never conceded an entire metropolis to rising water and snakes.
On your watch, we've lost almost all of our allies, the surplus, four airliners, two trade centers, a piece of the Pentagon and the City of New Orleans. Maybe you're just not lucky.
I'm not saying you don't love this country. I'm just wondering how much worse it could be if you were on the other side.
So, yes, God does speak to you. What he is saying is "Take a hint."
Bumperstickers ('06)
Some favorite bumperstickers and slogans in early 2006:
(Each is a link to cafepress)
Friday, May 14, 2010
Slogans ('05)
Signs reported at a September 2005 anti-war march in D.C. (just weeks after Hurricane Katrina):
YeeHa is not a foreign policy
War is Terrorism with a Bigger Budget
Make levees not war
Ex-Republican. Ask me why.
Blind Faith in Bad Leadership is not Patriotism.
Bush is a disaster!
(with the President's face in the eye of a hurricane);
Osama bin Forgotten
Cindy speaks for me
Liar, born liar, born-again liar
Dude -- There's a War Criminal in My White House!!!
Wednesday, March 31, 2010
The Republican Dictionary ('04)
Link: The Republican Dictionary
by Katrina Vanden Huevel
The Nation, Nov. 2004
[excerpted; full text at the link above]
BI-PARTISANSHIP – When conservative Republicans work together with moderate Republicans to pass legislation Democrats hate.
CLARIFY – Repeating the same lie over and over again.
FAIRER – Regressive.
FAITH – The stubborn belief that God approves of Republican moral values despite the preponderance of textual evidence to the contrary.
HONESTY – Lies told in simple declarative sentences: "Freedom is on the march."
MORAL VALUES – Hatred of homosexuals dressed up in Biblical language.
MANDATE – What a Republican claims to possess when only 49 percent of the voting public loathes him instead of 51 percent.
THE MEDIA – Immoral elitist liberally-biased traitors who should leave Republicans alone so they can complete God's work on Earth in peace and quiet, behind closed doors.
PHILOSOPHY – Religion.
SIMPLIFY – To cut the taxes of Republican donors.
by Katrina Vanden Huevel
The Nation, Nov. 2004
[excerpted; full text at the link above]
BI-PARTISANSHIP – When conservative Republicans work together with moderate Republicans to pass legislation Democrats hate.
CLARIFY – Repeating the same lie over and over again.
FAIRER – Regressive.
FAITH – The stubborn belief that God approves of Republican moral values despite the preponderance of textual evidence to the contrary.
HONESTY – Lies told in simple declarative sentences: "Freedom is on the march."
MORAL VALUES – Hatred of homosexuals dressed up in Biblical language.
MANDATE – What a Republican claims to possess when only 49 percent of the voting public loathes him instead of 51 percent.
THE MEDIA – Immoral elitist liberally-biased traitors who should leave Republicans alone so they can complete God's work on Earth in peace and quiet, behind closed doors.
PHILOSOPHY – Religion.
SIMPLIFY – To cut the taxes of Republican donors.
Wednesday, March 24, 2010
Unitarian Jihad ('05)
Link: "Unitarian Jihad"
by Jon Carroll
San Francisco Chronicle
April 8, 2005
[excerpted; full text at the link above.]
... Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States. We are Unitarian Jihad. There is only God, unless there is more than one God. The vote of our God subcommittee is 10-8 in favor of one God, with two abstentions. Brother Flaming Sword of Moderation noted the possibility of there being no God at all, and his objection was noted with love by the secretary....
Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States! Too long has your attention been waylaid by the bright baubles of extremist thought. Too long have fundamentalist yahoos of all religions (except Buddhism -- 14-5 vote, no abstentions, fundamentalism subcommittee) made your head hurt. Too long have you been buffeted by angry people who think that God talks to them. You have a right to your moderation! You have the power to be calm! We will use the IED of truth to explode the SUV of dogmatic expression!...
Why is the news dominated by nutballs saying that the Ten Commandments have to be tattooed inside the eyelids of every American, or that Allah has told them to kill Americans in order to rid the world of Satan, or that Yahweh has instructed them to go live wherever they feel like, or that Shiva thinks bombing mosques is a great idea?...
We are Unitarian Jihad. We are everywhere. We have not been born again, nor have we sworn a blood oath. We do not think that God cares what we read, what we eat or whom we sleep with. Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity notes for the record that he does not have a moral code but is nevertheless a good person, and Unexalted Leader Garrote of Forgiveness stipulates that Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity is a good person, and this is to be reflected in the minutes.
Beware! Unless you people shut up and begin acting like grown-ups with brains enough to understand the difference between political belief and personal faith, the Unitarian Jihad will begin a series of terrorist-like actions. We will take over television studios, kidnap so-called commentators and broadcast calm, well-reasoned discussions of the issues of the day. We will not try for "balance" by hiring fruitcakes; we will try for balance by hiring non-ideologues who have carefully thought through the issues.
We are Unitarian Jihad. We will appear in public places and require people to shake hands with each other.... Televangelists will be forced to take jobs as Xerox repair specialists. Demagogues of all stripes will be required to read Proust out loud in prisons.
We are Unitarian Jihad, and our motto is: "Sincerity is not enough." We have heard from enough sincere people to last a lifetime already. Just because you believe it's true doesn't make it true. Just because your motives are pure doesn't mean you are not doing harm. Get a dog, or comfort someone in a nursing home, or just feed the birds in the park. Play basketball. Lighten up. The world is not out to get you, except in the sense that the world is out to get everyone....
People of the United States! We are Unitarian Jihad! We can strike without warning. Pockets of reasonableness and harmony will appear as if from nowhere! Nice people will run the government again!...
This startling new underground group spreads lack of panic! Citizens declare themselves "relatively unafraid" of threats of undeclared rationality. People can still go to France, terrorist leader says....
- - - - - -
Find your Unitarian Jihad name at the Unitarian Jihad Name Generator.
by Jon Carroll
San Francisco Chronicle
April 8, 2005
[excerpted; full text at the link above.]
... Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States. We are Unitarian Jihad. There is only God, unless there is more than one God. The vote of our God subcommittee is 10-8 in favor of one God, with two abstentions. Brother Flaming Sword of Moderation noted the possibility of there being no God at all, and his objection was noted with love by the secretary....
Greetings to the Imprisoned Citizens of the United States! Too long has your attention been waylaid by the bright baubles of extremist thought. Too long have fundamentalist yahoos of all religions (except Buddhism -- 14-5 vote, no abstentions, fundamentalism subcommittee) made your head hurt. Too long have you been buffeted by angry people who think that God talks to them. You have a right to your moderation! You have the power to be calm! We will use the IED of truth to explode the SUV of dogmatic expression!...
Why is the news dominated by nutballs saying that the Ten Commandments have to be tattooed inside the eyelids of every American, or that Allah has told them to kill Americans in order to rid the world of Satan, or that Yahweh has instructed them to go live wherever they feel like, or that Shiva thinks bombing mosques is a great idea?...
We are Unitarian Jihad. We are everywhere. We have not been born again, nor have we sworn a blood oath. We do not think that God cares what we read, what we eat or whom we sleep with. Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity notes for the record that he does not have a moral code but is nevertheless a good person, and Unexalted Leader Garrote of Forgiveness stipulates that Brother Neutron Bomb of Serenity is a good person, and this is to be reflected in the minutes.
Beware! Unless you people shut up and begin acting like grown-ups with brains enough to understand the difference between political belief and personal faith, the Unitarian Jihad will begin a series of terrorist-like actions. We will take over television studios, kidnap so-called commentators and broadcast calm, well-reasoned discussions of the issues of the day. We will not try for "balance" by hiring fruitcakes; we will try for balance by hiring non-ideologues who have carefully thought through the issues.
We are Unitarian Jihad. We will appear in public places and require people to shake hands with each other.... Televangelists will be forced to take jobs as Xerox repair specialists. Demagogues of all stripes will be required to read Proust out loud in prisons.
We are Unitarian Jihad, and our motto is: "Sincerity is not enough." We have heard from enough sincere people to last a lifetime already. Just because you believe it's true doesn't make it true. Just because your motives are pure doesn't mean you are not doing harm. Get a dog, or comfort someone in a nursing home, or just feed the birds in the park. Play basketball. Lighten up. The world is not out to get you, except in the sense that the world is out to get everyone....
People of the United States! We are Unitarian Jihad! We can strike without warning. Pockets of reasonableness and harmony will appear as if from nowhere! Nice people will run the government again!...
This startling new underground group spreads lack of panic! Citizens declare themselves "relatively unafraid" of threats of undeclared rationality. People can still go to France, terrorist leader says....
- - - - - -
Find your Unitarian Jihad name at the Unitarian Jihad Name Generator.
Sunday, March 14, 2010
Dubya: changing a lightbulb ('05)
Floating around online in 2005:
Q: How many Bush Administration officials does
it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light
bulb; its condition is improving every day.
Any reports of its lack of incandescence are
illusional spin from the liberal media.
Illuminating rooms is hard work. That light
bulb has served honorably, and anything you
say undermines the lighting effort. Why do
you hate freedom?
Q: How many Bush Administration officials does
it take to change a light bulb?
A: None. There is nothing wrong with the light
bulb; its condition is improving every day.
Any reports of its lack of incandescence are
illusional spin from the liberal media.
Illuminating rooms is hard work. That light
bulb has served honorably, and anything you
say undermines the lighting effort. Why do
you hate freedom?
Saturday, March 13, 2010
American Traveler's Apology T-shirt (2004)
Link to T-shirt sale: American Traveler's Apology T-shirt (2004)
In six languages: "I'm sorry my president's an idiot. I didn't vote for him."
In six languages: "I'm sorry my president's an idiot. I didn't vote for him."
Dubya's Resumé (2003)
Link: Dubya's Resumé (2003)
[excerpted; full text at the above link]
It begins:
[excerpted; full text at the above link]
It begins:
- I attacked and took over two countries.
- I spent the US surplus and bankrupted the Treasury.
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